3 Psychological Factors that Steal Your Self-Esteem

Has anyone ever told you that you do not value or appreciate yourself enough? That you are too competent for your current position? Or that you were too good for your ex?

Were they right?

As odd as it may sound, other people often are much better judges of our character and our talents than we are. The reason is that our self-image is greatly distorted by our unconscious beliefs, past experiences and most importantly our level of self-esteem.

The tricky part is that most of us are sure that our self-esteem is high and healthy, yet we consistently under appreciate our skills, over doubt our decisions and under act when opportunities present themselves.

Think about it – Have you ever been in situations where you could have acted with a little more boldness, but at the last minute you chickened out and let the opportunity pass right in front of your nose?

I know I have and I actually do not believe myself to suffer from low self-esteem.
It is not poor self-esteem that is the problem, but the occasional ‘mental friction’ that arises at the worst possible moment in the worst possible place.

At the base of this friction lie three psychological factors that largely contribute to dampened self-confidence, occasional self-doubts and groundless shyness:

Self-Esteem Factor #1: Locus of control

This strangely sounding psychology term has a lot to do with personal responsibility and feeling of being in control of our destiny. As a rule people with an internal locus of control see their accomplishments and failures as a direct result of their actions. People with an external locus of control believe that “things just happen to them”, therefore, they attribute their successes and failures to forces outside their influence (e.g. luck or fate).

Depending on the circumstances our locus of control can shift either inwardly or outwardly.

For example, when we start blaming other people or external factors for our problems, we give away our right to improve the situation and this decision impedes our self-confidence and empowers a “victim mentality”. On the other hand, taking the decision to take responsibility for everything that happens to us, both good and bad, we gain power to change what we do not like and work on those areas of our life that need improvement.

Self-Esteem Factor #2: Self-Validation

Self-esteem is not something we are simply born with. It is an opinion and a number of beliefs that we form about ourselves and our abilities over the course of our life. These self-beliefs are based on: an objective feedback that we get from our environment, conclusions that we make about ourselves and our perception of how other people view us.

When these three factors are in balance, our self-esteem is strong and healthy. But as soon as we start placing higher importance on what others think of us (or what we believe they think of us) we lose our center to the point of conforming our personality and goals to other people’s desires.

This type of behavior creates inner friction between what we would like to do and what we feel we “must do” in order to be liked and to feel good about ourselves. To eliminate this friction and boost our self-esteem we should know when to listen to someone else’s advice and when to follow our own heart, even at the cost of disapproval.

Self-Esteem Factor #3: Sense of Competence

The third factor talks about how good we believe we are at what we do. My 6-year old nephew, for example, firmly believes that he is great at things he has never tried in his life, like ice-skating or ghost-hunting. And to my outward amazement he learns new skill with remarkable speed.

You and I may be more careful about making claims of our mastery. We rely on our experience, our accomplishments and actual results of our actions before deciding whether we are skilled at something or not.
When we do not feel we are making any progress, our level of self-esteem decreases and we start having doubts about our abilities.

But in order to improve and develop our talents, we need to learn how to separate our performance from who we are. A setback or a single mistake does not make us a failure. It simply makes us human.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others and Boost your Self Esteem

Comparing ourselves to others is a complex process and can lead to very different outcomes. The consequences of which vary greatly depending on how and why we choose to draw comparisons with others.

Positive Comparisons

Reassurance is a key factor with self-comparison; people stand themselves up against others as a checking in or reference point. We look out for people with similar characteristics and mark ourselves against them.

For example; mothers may look to other mothers dealing with young children and asses their parenting skills. The outcome of this is that they sense that they are achieving the same outcome and feel good about what they are doing.

We can also learn and improve through comparing ourselves, look at what others are doing and see how they have done this, using this as a benchmark.

Comparing ourselves to older and more experienced individuals can also be a useful way of looking at our own development and can provide assistance to choosing paths. Learning from the mistakes of others and understanding that life doesn’t always run smoothly can help us move forward.

Observing the lives of others on a global scale or as close as next door can help put perspective on our own lives.

Negative Comparisons

Choosing to compare ourselves against people or situations that make us feel inadequate is an utter waste of time. If you had a painful cut on your finger would you rub a handful of salt all over the wound? No you would not; you would clean the cut and put a plaster on it. If you are feeling unsuccessful and down on yourself, take positive steps towards self-improvement and protect yourself rather than adding insult to injury.

Battling insecurities through bringing up irrelevant comparisons is a dangerous game, the gut-wrenching emotions of uselessness that emerge are poisonous and can easily be avoided through taking control and not allowing yourself to get pulled into this pointless game.

The list of negative self-comparisons is endless, generally it will reflect whatever it is that you are struggling with at the time, below I have outlined a few examples of some of the most common forms:

• Body image: Feeling insecure about your appearance or weight? Picking up a magazine and flicking through pictures of scantily clad models is not going to help! Looking at the weight loss and dieting efforts of celebrities against your own is fruitless. All you are getting is an image with a brief written capsule of text you have nothing real or concrete to set against yourself. Ditch the magazines and opt for a novel instead.
• Relationships: Comparing yourself against your current partners ex is a sure fire way of creating avoidable bitterness and angst. Maybe she seems more successful? More attractive? More fun? Torturing yourself about the past can distance you from the present, it is your future that you are working towards, concentrate on what you are doing right and what works and learn to leave what is in the past: behind.
• Career: If you are feeling uncertain of unhappy in your current career, putting yourself up against someone who you see as being more successful is a damaging approach. Dwelling on how well somebody else is achieving does nothing but hinder your own development. Instead look into positive steps to improve your working situation.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Whoever or whatever it is that you use to negatively compare yourself against, should be recognised and dealt with.

Feeling jealously towards people involved in your life can be difficult to deal with; you may be very fond of them but find them difficult to be around when you are having moments of self-doubt. Rather than subjecting yourself to them, take a little break, it is far better to distance yourself for a moment than tainting a friendship with jealousy.

Making yourself aware of what makes you feel inadequate is a great way of dealing with it, learn to recognise how and why you get involved in this negative cycle and quickly remove yourself.

Think: comparing yourself to others is pointless, because there has never been or will be a person just like you!

Anne Davies is the author of anne’s-aneries a daily lifestyle blog, anne also guest blogs on on a varied selection of topics, from affordable bridal sets to self-help guides.

Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem

Understanding the symptoms of low self esteem is crucial to your success in life. If you are unaware of how your self esteem is achieved and the levels you should aim for you will be unable to utilise your true potential by having the determination you need to attain your planned dreams and visualisations.

The most common symptoms of low self esteem are:

1. Lack of ambition

To not have any ambition or enthusiasm in whatever you do in life is one of the worst symptoms of low self esteem. If you do not have any enthusiasm in your job you will find it difficult to gain promotion or better your prospects in your professional life. This will lead to frustration and aggression. Likewise lack of enthusiasm in any area of your life will only ensure you do not give your best and this will only bring sadness and unhappiness.

2. Negative behavior and attitude

Always seeing things negatively or having negative thoughts will prevent you from experiencing a favourable result in anything you attempt to do making everyday life an uphill struggle. Endeavour to rise above the negativity, find a solution, or support from a friend.

3. Lack of pride in your appearance

First impressions count so if you do not take pride in your appearance and not pay attention to your dress, tending to look untidy and disorganised, which is the image you are portraying to everyone around you. Your appearance often indicates what type of person you really are so if you tend to have an unbothered, uncared for style of dress then this is representative of your personality and character.

4. Unhealthy lifestyle

Another important symptom of low self esteem is the way you look after yourself: your diet and lifestyle. By not eating a sensible diet, lack of exercise and maybe excessive alcohol intake these are all contributory factors to an unhealthy lifestyle which can often be accompanied by ill health too. Feeling low in mood is often fuelled by eating comfort foods as a result and you are caught up in a catch 22 situation very easily.

5. Shyness

Being unable to speak to someone without experiencing blushing or just being unable to speak when you meet someone new are common problems which can be overcome. However, if you are a casualty of severe shyness where you experience panic attacks or emotional distress, it may be advisable to seek professional help.

6. Fear

Fear of failure is probably one of the most destructive feelings to experience but fear whether it is a phobia or just an everyday fear all need to be overcome to be able to live a fulfilling life. So learn how to handle and manage your fear. Find the ability within yourself to face each fear and analyse the situation by seeing fear as your protector and facing the dangers as they arise. Recognise the benefits of fear and work with them to free yourself.

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by Kathryn James
Check out http://www.positivity2prosperity.com for further details.

Improve Confidence and Learn to Deal With Sarcasm

Some people regard sarcasm as a heightened level of wit and sophistication. And it is true that witty, quick thinking retorts are often highly amusing and entertaining to others. How many of us have wished that we could have thought of that snappy rejoinder half an hour before instead of when we were driving home in the car?

But sarcasm when both parties are not evenly matched can become a form of verbal abuse, a bit like a cat playing with a mouse, and equally unpleasant to watch. Dealing effectively with sarcasm can have several different approaches.

1. Ignore it.

Act a bit unworldly and treat the comments as if they were a valid remark. There is no sport in being sarcastic with someone who does not get the comments and they will give up trying if there is no reaction, if all that happens is a normal response that appears oblivious to the inferences being made. Treat the remarks like water off a ducks back.

2. Laugh at the comments.

By joining in, the remarks lose their offensiveness and laughter is often a great tool to defuse a tense situation. Being able to laugh at ourselves is an attractive quality and enables everyone around to comfortably join in with the humour too. You also show yourself as being confident enough to be able to relax and see the wit in the comments and the situation.

3. Retaliate if you can.

Retaliate if you feel you are quick enough, but be wary of joining in a fight unless you know that you can win. And these situations can sometimes become quite unpleasant. Does it really matter to you that much or is it better to let it go? Often by retaliating it can make the situation more difficult because the defence to sarcasm being nasty or cruel is often that the remark was meant as a joke. You can then appear to be excessively sensitive with no sense of humour. It is sometimes more embarrassing to pursue this line of conversation and better instead for you to pick one of the other options that I have outlined.

4. Consider why this person is behaving this way.

Are they genuinely regarding themselves as bright and witty, but becoming a little over the top, or are they trying to appear superior. Are they perhaps jealous or trying to score points and so becoming a verbal bully? Often low self-esteem and confidence levels are a factor when someone is trying to win a war of words. There can be an attempt to demonstrate their greater intellect by a putting others down mentality. You can reassure yourself that they are less confident than they are appearing and usually everyone around can see that this is the case. This behaviour is often an elaborate cover up.

By protecting yourself in the most appropriate way you can reinforce the true belief that this situation is not about you. You are in a situation caused by another person to amuse and entertain themselves and perhaps others. Allow yourself to keep control, protect your confidence levels and you will emerge stronger and more confident as a result.

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Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with
- stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief,
- couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding
- with business clients to help support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams

For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net